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Pleaser

by AC-PDF

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1.
Act Out 04:17
What has been happening to you lately I am chronically helpless, show me how to behave for you, and I will I'll ask myself, I'll ask myself to learn For who could I be without the terror of your conditional love I'm not thinking about myself I'm only thinking about what I hate Valour make me so unstoppable Take all my strength to engage When it builds up, when it cries out, when it breaks Strip the harm until there can be nothing left to reflect You want your pain to comfort you, plead to your pain to comfort you But it never does, but it never does Immerse yourself in what you know, chaotic with your self control But it never helps, but it never will grant forgiveness, twist you into the right I'm not thinking about myself I'm only thinking about what I hate Tremor give me all of my resolve So I will not be unchanged When it builds, when it cries, when it breaks How can you look at me in the face And believe that the source of all of your rage Comes from mine
2.
If you don't trust my experience If you don't trust mine Better put your hand in the fire If you don't trust my experience If you don't trust mine Better put your hand in the fire This is serious This is serious God this is serious Better look back on your way down This is serious This is serious God this is serious Who will you influence Your anger is loss My anger is education Now that we are two lengths apart Do you discover Who is the powerful witness My arrogance is slow Your arrogance is unforgiving You are looking for exits You are looking for something to compromise Something to compromise If you don't trust my experience If you don't trust mine How will you look further If you don't trust my experience If you don't trust mine How will it get better This is serious This is serious God this is serious Better look back on your way down This is serious This is serious God this is serious Better put your hand in the fire Your anger is loss My anger is education Now that we are two lengths apart Do you discover Who is the powerful witness My arrogance is slow Your arrogance is unforgiving You are looking for exits You are looking for something to compromise Something to compromise You can't repress your pain and it runs from floor to ceiling You are desperate for me To live within its shadow So you can tell yourself you're fine But that elegance is gone And its force is unrelenting You look for something to change your mind Something to change your mind You can’t change your mind You can’t change my mind
3.
This is the strongest one yet I don't know what to do with my hands What can I crush out of the mire Tethered to an irate frame of mind I don't wanna do this all of the time I need to feel control What builds to kindness in your eyes Why do I strike into what I crave I don’t hesitate No sense keeping it to yourself If you can fuck over everyone And isolate It's just another reason to give up It's just another way we don't come across I'll never have to be I'm never going to need to be someone This is the strongest one yet I don't know what to do with my hands How can I keep myself alive Tethered to an irate frame of mind I don't wanna do this all of the time But I still think about you Your god is delicate You cry to it every night it writhes, it begs you to be loved There's always cycles you can't break You have the language but not the strength To hold yourself against it It's just another reason to give up It's just another way we don't come across I'll never have to be I'm never going to need to be someone Who do you think will rest on your shoulder? When the need to escape is so tremendous I'll never have to be, I'm never going to need To be someone I'm not shutting down cause I want to I am paralyzed and in shock And I don't need a reason to tell you no It’s now cutting out of the inside You're not within my power to change I don't need another reason to be so afraid of you
4.
All at once the calm dissipates Temporary, but I like it when you throb in my eardrum And I am watching you from the other side Every night there is someplace else Every night the nagging at the back of your mind As we are drawn closer to this land If this works this could be the last time If this works this won’t be the last time What’s before us in disguise I can’t give it a rest, give it a rest Which is worse this evil Or to turn away encased As is customary for you Protection is a lane I would never decide Every night there is nowhere else Every night the longing at the back of my mind What would I give away for an interception Grieving, I try to give it up, give it up But still the thought persists, Which is worse, you won’t say Which is worse, you won’t say In order to live like this I must stop, question What is it worth to leave myself behind
5.
Morning 03:15
Morning, I'm preoccupied Focus, focus I make no Allowances Forget, forget Are you grateful For my absence This cavity, this seething Do you feel loss Did it carve its facsimile, into who you are You were not born to live like this Why do you ask if you don't care You were not born to live like this Why do you ask if you don't care Morning, I've Lost the fight again I keep breathing But nothing comes to me I'm pushing up But with every motion I can’t remind myself Of what I’m healing from
6.
Pushed out of my own fear I want to share this feeling with you If I can't find a way to tell you Express it once then it disappears What's worth thinking over A forceful way to be superior If I can't find a way to tell you What kind of truth can we sustain here Separate draw composure Distance is on your side, you can overcome me Are you really sorry Show yourself What does it take to crash through Is close enough the obvious answer Tough luck, no embraces There's nothing to it, that's what they said If I can't find a way to tell you A question rises, is this dangerous Maybe it will be so different this time This time seems dazzling, dazzling Shot by the sun in my eyes You’re the undercurrent of all my thoughts And I rush to help your every pulse Is this the right thing What does it take to crash through, what does it take to crash through A new contender, a new rampant unhappiness I will make sure to let the chaos circle Body left to fester You’re the undercurrent of all my thoughts And I rush to help your every pulse Dazzling dazzling What does it take to crash through, is close enough the obvious answer Separate draw composure Distance is on your side, you can overcome me Are you really sorry Show yourself What does it take to crash through What does it take to crash through Separate so you can conquer me Distance is on your side, a bleak resemblance Are you really sorry Show yourself What does it take to crash through Is close enough the obvious answer
7.
Risk Me 03:49
You said yes I can feel the stretch and reach It’s okay to be afraid but don’t fixate Now that I know, now that I know what I want but can’t attain, attain, attain Now that I know, now that I’ve seen, all the beauty of your life unravelling Will you risk me What’s your fate How are you so compelling Why are you so bright, vivid, so pleased And I’ll be caught running in this town away from his And I’ll change, without cause, crying in a heartbeat on the call If there’s no limit to what we’ll experience Can I accept that I am flawed And that you will be here without me You said yes, but what does that mean Why am I so driven to this cause Do I even like this version of myself Now that I know, now that I know what I want but can’t attain, attain, attain Now that I know, now that I know that I might be sacrificing everything And I’ll be caught running in this town away from his And I’ll change, without cause, crying in a heartbeat on the call If there’s no limit to what we’ll experience Can I accept that I am flawed And that you will be here without me
8.
JTR 02:00
I can’t wait, I can’t wait To go home It is torturous just to remember Just to remember It is the same of course It’s in the cage that you cry from Use of unequal force How will you engage if you ever If I choose to fight then it’s everywhere If I stay unchanged I’m not safe What will emerge from all this unhappiness What can be gained from all of this, trouble, trouble I can’t wait for you to come home It’s a full time job just to recover Just to recover It is the same of course It’s in the cage that you cry from Use of unequal force How will you engage if you ever If I choose to fight then it’s everywhere If I stay unchanged I’m not safe What will emerge from all this unhappiness What can be gained from all of this, trouble, trouble
9.
Pleaser 05:34
Wash yourself off onto me I have not seen the light in weeks Noxious water fought it off on my knees I'm not helpless I will bring my own peace Is this how you speak to me? vile yet eager I am the least of your pain self-defeatist crippled by what's happening I'm no pleaser I don't go back to my place Can you cope with listening Gather pieces but the reflection's too vague aimless, joyless Corrupt from power you save I'm no master If I'm not allowed to be Is this how you deviate Pry at weakness Emerge from a silent pain with no purpose Collapse in front of your dream I'm no pleaser I'll show you what I've come for Left with neglect And loss, I will not remain Why would I spend my time, spend my time Waiting around for nothing Is it not enough to say I have been brave It takes actions and actions, actions and actions To mend what has been wrought Who would remain Spend my time waiting around for nothing Who would remain Spend my time waiting around for nothing to change
10.
When the arc snaps back we will never know fear In the meantime we laugh when we're nervous And the pain you felt, did it ever heal I can see you hang your bitterness higher I could turn you into the place where I write In the meantime I am humming at the surface And the pain I felt, did it ever heal If I unearth the past will it seize my desire But I don't write it off I don't turn to the other side Lash back at the tumultuous mire How disempowered we make ourselves for others And the pain you felt did it ever heal I can see it stand up, unerased from your mind Can the combination exist can you grieve and bow to it And I am in all places at once Intimately connected at all the right times And the pain I felt did it ever heal When the surface tension breaks I survive I don't write it off I don't turn to the other side Now the arc is spinning just like it wants to And your head is spinning just like it wants to But I know something about you I didn't before Your trust lets me in

about

This record is about breaking out of a cycle of trauma & abuse. It's about meeting new people that invigorate you, and meeting people that scare you back into old patterns. It's about introspection, reflection and healing. There is so much more love and joy to experience when you have faced the worst parts of yourself. We hope that this album can help you on that journey.

credits

released October 1, 2022

All songs written by AC & PDF (Oliver A. R. Clark & Patrick D. Farrugia)
AC: Lyrics, vocals, melody & guitar
PDF: All other instrumentation
Drums: Mac Lawrie
Violin: Elena Facciamara
Co-produced & engineered by Joseph Hirabayashi at KW Studios
Mixed & Mastered by PDF


All songs copyright AC-PDF 2020
Supported by Creative BC and the Province of British
Columbia

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AC-PDF Vancouver, British Columbia

Introspective art rock. Vancouver BC

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